On Self-Image
As a child, I grew up with greasy hair that had a middle part, tons of acne, and ill-fitting apparel I only started choosing for myself in high school. (And even then, choosing it poorly.) You may not see it, but my body has always been somewhat oddly shaped. I grew up with a beautiful sibling, so it was a daily experience to witness “pretty privilege”: watching her scoot ahead scholastically and receive affirmations by peers and family in ways I didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong: I received more attention in my twinkdom and adulthood. But I suppose my initial experience as an odd duck exacerbated every rejection over my body, or looks, or effeminate demeanor. Today, I still listen to friends fawn over guys and wonder what those guys have that I don’t.
It’s obvious that many men view me differently now. But it’s hard to promote myself as a sex object because of those experiences. Not only are there many days I just don’t see it in myself, but I persistently have internal arguments about how it must feel for someone else who doesn’t have pretty privilege. I chided a collaborator not that long ago for “sexualizing” my marketing materials because I don’t want my audience or attendees to feel intimidated or that they should attain certain ideals. And I don’t like when I see those messages in our community.
I’m wearing this harness tonight, however. It’s for a Dore-themed Gaymer event, and I think sex should be celebrated. I’ve been fortunate enough to make friends in the past several years who have taught me — much by example — to love each other for who we are, and in that way, love our bodies for what they are. Sex isn’t that taboo a subject for gay men, but I think it still can be for the community at large, and why I think it strikes a chord with so many in the LGBT community. Because unlike Pride, which has earned itself mainstream acceptance, events like Dore and Folsom inspire forms of self expression that ask us to be a bit counter-culture and brave. So tonight I’m going to be brave, and I am grateful for the people I have who taught me to be that way in life, in how I express myself, and how I show my body.
Leave a Reply