On Homophobia and Safe Spaces
Last night, I was walking in Mission holding the arm of a fella, wearing gold sequin booties, a sequin jacket, sequin shoes, my Sexitude tank top, and carrying a sequin backback. Someone across the street shouted “FUCKING FAGGOTS!” at us.
It is a weird thing for me about San Francisco. I don’t consider insults like that to sting that much, or carry weight in a city that has fought so hard for LGBTQ rights. But it got me thinking about a common place my brain goes about why our community segregates itself so much from everyone else; Why we only have gay friends, why we only go to gay bars, only live in certain neighborhoods. And why — when we venture outside of these comfort zones — we tone down our gay identities. We wear muted palettes and simple clothing. We limit the times we say “gurl please,” and look around uncomfortably if someone in our gaggle of friends mentions douching or dick.
I’m not trying to speak for you, maybe you don’t limit yourself. And even if you do, I get it. I see it all the time. For me, I come from a place where my mannerisms made it patently impossible for me to cover up my sexual orientation. I went to a homogenized white, heterosexual school where I stuck out like a sore thumb, and then I went home to a conservative family who urged me to do better about fitting in. And I wish I could have. But there came a point where I felt like the guy who shouted last night, and my classmates, my family, and even people in the gay community held such power over me because my life was such a constant form of entertainment and ridicule for them.
It angered me quite a lot, this power they had, and at a certain point, I decided to never silence myself again in any way. If you see me at a football game in some podunk town in Iowa, for example, I might very well wear the same outfit as last night. (Albeit I don’t know why I’d be in Iowa or at a football game.)
I’ve struggled to explain this concept and its importance in recent years to straight people and even a couple gay bars. Essentially the response is, in so many words, “Why don’t you want us in your space, at your parades, or at your parties? As a straight person, I support gay people, I want what’s best for you!” And they do. I admit to acting somewhat unflatteringly in some instances to their presence, organizing gay takeovers of traditionally heterosexual venues. And I’ve openly expressed distaste for bridal parties, “woo girls,” and other fratty-type energy. In my extended meditation on the topic, however, I’ve decided discrimination is discrimination. Their mannerisms are just as unalterable as mine, and their presence should be just as encouraged and welcome as I insist mine should be.
When the owner of Brewcade approached me eight months ago about collaborating on event promotion, we talked a lot about how to bring more of the gay community into his venue. He is a gay man who opened this bar for the Castro community several years ago, and it hurt him when they didn’t show up. A lot of our early discussions were about “safe space,” a concept I had not yet fully articulated to myself and could not to him. He thought I meant people feared getting hit.
I understand better now that even with the progress of gay rights, we still need spaces that make us feel comfortable being ourselves without fear of judgment, side glances, or hate speech. But I also think we need to be more courageous. The gay/straight segregation I see so often is not aided by our aversion to step outside our comfort zone. Fear crippled us in the past and continues to do so.
I am grateful for those who have come out to Brewcade in the past eight months to pizza and movie nights, and to our first Gaymer night last month. Like most of my events, these are simple affairs intended to promote good times and friendship, but in this instance, I believe we are actually improving upon the tone of our community and creating a new space for LGBTQ people and our allies. I know the owner sees it, too, because we now have a prime time Friday slot for the next Gaymer-cade event. This Friday night, it’ll just be another good time with games, JELLO shots, costumes, but it will also be making something new for our peers to build upon and enjoy. I hope you come and have fun, and share the moment with me.
Originally appeared March 25, 2019 on Facebook here. Support me on Patreon here.
Leave a Reply